Ring by Spring

I wrote this blog on April 7th, 2012 and posted it to my Facebook. Finally getting around to posting it here too. This was hands down the most popular blog I have posted on my Facebook account. Matters of the heart tend to be a popular topic with people. Blessings on your day, Heidi 

Ring by Spring.” A typical student at Seattle Pacific University entering into their third week of Spring quarter can bet on hearing these three little words on repeat like a broken record or your favorite song. These three words can either bring feelings of dread, challenge, or hope. I tend to firmly place my flag into the ground of the feelings of dread camp. I haveNO desire to get married or have a ring on my finger anytime soon.  You can call me a realist or career driven. I have the radical belief that you shouldn’t date until you are ready or in a place to get married. However, I wouldn’t argue with you if you said I might be scarred, carrying baggage, or scared of relationships and commitments. But, don’t we all in different ways? I am messy and junk-filled recovering sinner like everyone else. Who is daily drenched in the grace of God who makes beautiful things.

I am not against people getting married young; but you won’t find me going around endorsing it. Many of my good friends are getting married this summer or have gotten engaged in the past month. Attending SPU it isn’t abnormal to be in a class with peers who are showing off their engagement rings or married. God calls everyone to different things. I know it cannot be easy getting married young and that is a cross God calls some people to carry. I have the highest respect of people who carry that cross with divine amounts of grace and confidence in the Lord. Most people don’t think it’s wise and/or believe that I should be a Pastor, but I guess that’s my own cross to carry.

Okay, so I would guess by now you are wondering where I am going with this. Yes, part of me is just ranting, but I actually do have a point! As I have been reflecting on the cross and passion of Christ during Lent and especially this Holy Week I came to the revelation that the cross of Christ is a proposal. A personal proposal to me and most importantly to the church—the body of Christ. Jesus completed the most beautiful two-day proposal the world has ever seen (not even a choreographed dance in front of the Magic Kingdom Castle can compare).

The proposal begins on Thursday when Jesus bends down on one knee and washes the feet of His followers. In humility Jesus washes their feet. This is the ultimate forever commitment of selfless love and devotion to His dirty and unfaithful Bride. He washes her physically clean. The dirt is washed away by the meek act of Jesus bending down and scrubbing us clean. Next, Jesus offered His Bride the cup and bread of his own blood and body in exchange for her cup. On Mandy Thursday, God and I swapped cups.

First century Jewish marriage customs in the land of Israel history lesson of the day—a traditional Jewish proposal would consist of a young man’s father taking a bottle of wine and pour a cup of wine to hand to his son. The son would then turn to the young women who makes his heart “sparkle” and with all the seriousness of an oath before God, would take the cup of wine and say “This cup is a new covenant in my blood, which I offer to you.” 21st Century Translation: “I am deeply in love with you. I promise to be your faithful husband. Will you be my bride?”

This traditional Jewish proposal of handing a cup of wine to a young woman was a way of offering (metaphorically) your very blood as the outrageous and inflated price for your Beloved’s hand in marriage. A young Jewish man would see it as offering the cup of his heart. And if the young women took the cup and drank from it, she accepted his life and offered him her cup of wine, thus confirming the betrothal. A love commitment sealed by lips to a cup.

I wonder if the early Christians would have understood the parallels between the Last Supper and a traditional Jewish proposal? It seems painfully obvious to me. Every communion we experience as Christians is a powerful call to say yes to the proposal of Christ.

So as we have discovered in Jewish tradition, the bride and groom-to-be exchange and drink from each other’s cups. Here is the dilemma: Jesus cup is the cup of righteousness, the cup of a right, beautiful, and sin-free relationship with God. A cup of eternal life—life to the FULLEST, inexpressible joy and overflowing peace. This is the cup that only Jesus deserves to drink from. Yet Jesus, in an act of thanksgiving, willing hands over His cup in exchange for ours, His Beloved. Our cup is completely unlike Jesus’. Our cup is overflowing with sin, suffering, pain, brokenness, and separation from God and filled with the just wrath of God. Yikes! This must ruin the mood of the proposal. And in a way it does.

After Jesus, the Bridegroom, exchanges cups with His future Bride and realizes what is in His Beloved’s cup retreats to the garden of Gethsemane to pray. Begging God to take this new proposal cup from Him--the weight of His future Brides faithlessness and sin pressed upon Him and He begins to sweat BLOOD! The Bridegroom surrenders Himself to the will of God and His “foolish” love for His Bride. This proposal story takes a turn for the worst….

Jesus is betrayed by His own fiancé. He walks the road of Calvary only to have His Beloved beat Him, mock Him, spit on Him, reject Him over and over again. And like the old hymn that says, “Were you there when you crucified my Lord?” I can honestly answer, “Yes, I was there.”

Because in horror and trembling, I can hear my own voice among the crowd yelling,“CRUCIFY HIM”. I can feel my hands reaching for the crown of glory and honor from Jesus head and replacing it with a crown of thorns. I can hear the sound of the hammer against the head of the nail as I drive it deep into His hand. I can see my own wounds heal as I shamefully whip the bareback of Creations last hope of saving grace. I can smell the repulsing aroma of the crucifixion and the sour wine that I offered Him as my stone hard, sin-filled heart sucked the life right out of Him. I can remember the eyes that burned with love as the bruised and broken body of my Bridegroom hung on that tree. I can hear the sound of His voice as He said, “It is FININSHED”. And I can see the temple curtain tear in two and know with all my heart that I just murdered the Son of God, the only person who as ever loved me. The one who took upon him the wrath of God, the wrath of Himself, which was solely meant for me.

What kind of King would choose to to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart?

Through the cross, Jesus takes the cup of wrath that He pleads in the garden for the Father to take from Him—because He doesn’t want YOU, the church, His Beloved Bride, taken from Him. He takes this incomprehensible cup that leads him to a cross because He can’t fathom not taking His Bride. Echoing the feet washing on Thursday: Jesus on Friday washes us spiritually; cleansing us of our messy stained hearts with His own blood. The proposal is officially finished. But the story is far from over.

As Jesus breathed His last, His Bride believed for it to be over. His disciples and faithful women followers thought this was the end. I wonder what Saturday was like for them. The empty hopelessness of that day. But the silence that filled Saturday had a faint ring of hope in the air. God would get the last word. The Bride in agony over what she had done would be reunited with her Bridegroom on Sunday. It is one of the reasons it is so powerful for me that Mary Magdalene is the first one to see the resurrected Lord, the resurrected Bridegroom. Not even death could swallow the love of the Bridegroom. Aw, Easter is the happy ending we all long for.

If I was completely honest this proposal makes me feel awkward and I secretly want more distance from a God who offers me this kind of love. Just as I try to distance myself and scorn the idea of “Ring by Spring” at SPU—I ironically come face to face this spring with the most outlandish proposal and I am forced to act and make a decision.

Do I say yes to this Jesus, this Bridegroom? To say yes is considered foolish and unwise by the world. Do I take the cup of communion and drink from it entering into the most sacred covenant? Or do I walk away too proud to let myself be mocked by the world? Why would I willing choose to betroth myself to a Bridegroom who died a death that was reserved for the scum of the earth? Why would I become a Princess to a Prince who wears a crown of thorns? Why would I chose to enter into an upside down Kingdom where the least are considered the greatest and the King is murdered in order to gain compete power? Why would I betroth myself to a Bridegroom who asks me to deny myself, pick up a cross and follow Him?

Love. That’s I why. I do it because Jesus loves me. I choose to drink from the communion cup. I choose to say yes. I choose Jesus even though it is foolishness to the world. Love is laying down plans, agendas, and self. Love is always the act of laying down. Love lays down it’s own wants to lift up the will of another. Love let’s go of its plans—to hold on to a person. Jesus’ proposal and His Passion reiterates Romans 8:38-39…

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Love wins. Jesus will stop at nothing to win my heart. I will say yes to this proposal. I will say yes to this “Cup by Spring”. Perfect loves drives out fear. 

And as I continue to roll my eyes as I walk through campus and hear those three dreaded words everywhere I go. And as the stack of my various friends “Save the Date” cards grows every week on my desk, I contemplate every Sunday at the Communion table the proposal I have said yes to. I may not have a Pintrest account of ideas of my heavenly wedding but I have read Revelation and the stunning wedding vision it paints of the Bridegroom and Bride coming together. I am reminded this Holy Week of the whole point of earthly relationships and marriage—to be a living picture pointing to an even greater relationship.

Remember me Lord, as you enter into your Kingdom…. 

Twenty Days

I wrote this blog on February 26th and posted it on my Facebook. Funny thing was of all the blogs I have ever written this was my least popular one (in regards to "likes and comments"), but this is one of my all time favorite blogs I have ever written. Enjoy my reader friends. May it bless you in whatever season this finds you in. All is Grace, Heidi

There are moments in life when wasted hope and shattered expectations collide. I do not particularly enjoy these moments. The flesh within you is raging in anger. Your mind starts to question everything God promised you. Doubt begins to flood your heart. You would give anything to stop running this race God has called you to run. I have come to the conclusion this week that whatever course you end up deciding on—the path God clearly calls you to walk down—there will always be someone to tell you that you’re wrong. There will always be difficulties arising, which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to the end requires courage.

And so I repeat to myself over and over…”20 days…. I can do this.”

            Twenty days left of one of the most difficult, challenging, and beautiful season of my life. Twenty days left of winter quarter that has stretched me and grown me more then I ever believed possible. I knew going into this quarter that God was calling me to carry a pretty heavy cross. That this quarter would be the narrowest of paths God has ever led me down. This season has been incredible with amazing opportunities literally falling from heaven. God opened doors that I never anticipated and I watched God provide and come through on every single one of His promises. But it has also been hard and ugly at times. I have given God everything this quarter; all my time, talents, dreams, and hopes—I surrendered it all to Him. Honestly, it is beginning to wear me down. I am exhausted. Nonetheless, I am easily the most blessed girl in the world.  I know these seem like the biggest contradictions, but if you are a Jesus follower you might relate to what I’m saying.  I have to keep believing that the bitter beauty of this journey is worth it.

Whatever You have commanded us—we will do, and where You send us we will go…the LORD your God be with you” ~Joshua 1:16-17

  I have been studying the Book of Habakkuk in the Bible this month. I have fallen in love with this tiny three-chapter gem in the Old Testament. The major theme woven throughout Habakkuk is trying to grow from a faith of confusion, doubt, and skepticism to the height of absolute trust in God. Habakkuk, a prophet, addresses his concerns over the fact that God will use the evil Babylonian empire to bring judgment on Judah (God’s chosen people) for their sins.

Habakkuk is unique and stands out to me among all the other prophets in the Bible because he openly questions the wisdom of God. In the first chapter, Habakkuk sees the injustice among his people and asks why God does not take action. “Yahweh, how long will I cry, and you will not hear? I cry out to you “Violence!” and will you not save?" (1:2)

  In the last chapter, Habakkuk expresses his ultimate faith in God, even if he doesn't fully understand. For though the fig tree doesn’t flourish, nor fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive fails, the fields yield no food; the flocks are cut off from the fold, and there is no herd in the stalls: yet I will rejoice in Yahweh. I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! (3:17-18)

Francis Chan wrote that, “Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending.”

  Habakkuk. The name means wrestler or embrace. Wrestle with God because hard times are holy times. Do not escape or run away, do not hide your doubts and questions from God. But stubbornly and boldly confront God; He already knows what we are thinking. Fully embrace the One who is not afraid of our ugly, tear-filled, angry questions or prayers. Because this is how we stay engaged with God. When we don’t know how to hang on in hard times—grip hard to God. Don’t be afraid to wrestle with God. The only ones who can rest in God are the ones who have wrestled with God… “I will not let you go until I you bless me” (Read Genesis 32:23-34).

  God’s purposes are not for me to understand His plans: His plan is for me to understand who He is. Thank you God for blessing me much more than I deserve. All is Grace. I cannot forget that God blesses his beloved children so that we can be a blessing to those we encounter (Genesis 12:2). We’re all just messy, junk-filled recovering sinners drenched in the grace of a God who makes beautiful things.

The season of Lent is upon us. I wonder if I can be healed of my fleshly turned-away-from God attitudes if I found a place to make a U-turn? A place to make a fresh start. A place to look at my frailty, my sin, my fallen humanity, and find grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration in the blood of Christ. Lent is a time of turning around and choosing to sacrifice things that distract and keep me from a deep closeness with the King of kings. Sacrifice is tangibly removing entitlement and comfort from our lives to remind our souls how we desperately need a Savior. You can’t EARN God’s love. You can only turn TOWARDS God’s love.

Repent for the Kingdom of God is near! This is my heart cry for this season of Lent. God’s Kingdom is coming; it is here and not yet. Jesus’ story (much like our own) is going to get worse and darker before it gets better. That is just the odd reality of God’s upside down kingdom. We all must be persecuted, walk narrow paths, come face to face with the pain of the world, have difficult seasons of ministry, carry our crosses and then die to ourselves before we can reach the joy of Easter. The joy of resurrection. The joy in knowing that with Jesus we can be made NEW and WHOLE. When we experience the powerful truth that the Spirit living and moving in us is GREATER than the world. With Christ, we will overcome.

I’m sleeping so little these days; I guess this is growing up. It is not that I am up late doing homework or writing papers. That’s the interesting thing about it. That should be the case for this college aged girl in the midst of her junior year with 21 credits, constant music rehearsals for the various choirs and worship teams, small groups, meetings, my internship, and having a somewhat normal social life. Yet, I find myself dealing with insomnia for a completely different reason. I have been up just sitting still—in the quiet, dark hours of the night. More than my body desires sleep it longs and aches for a deeper type of rest. There is a rest that only comes from being still in the presence of God. A unique and forgotten art of worship. I cannot fully explain it. It is not prayer. I’m not talking to God. I am just sitting in His presence. Not thinking. Not moving. Just being. It is the most healing experience.

  If I could be remembered for one thing. If I could only leave one legacy on this dying earth—my legacy would be simple. I want to be known and remembered as being a LOVER OF GOD’s PRESENCE.

Jesus made his life about showing us what real leadership looks like: it’s not climbing higher towards power and status, but bending down in prayer and service. Jesus was dead to all ladders of fame, status, and power and that’s what made him so alive — always reaching down, to the lonely, the lost, and the least. The least of this world shall be the first in God’s kingdom.

I believe the only life living is the scandalous one: outrageous love, offensive mercy, lavish grace, and foolish faith. Live a life that makes your family, friends, and neighbors scratch their heads in disbelief. Stubbornly and relentlessly pray for your enemies till your eyes are opened to the truth that enemies are illusions and everyone is a friend. Believe in your God-sized dreams, the ones God purposely knitted deep within your heart. Be the kind of person who is quick to apologize because that is the pathway of lasting happiness. Always remember that true contentment is when God’s Word and your walk are in harmony. This harmony only comes through the daily breathing in of Jesus’ grace and love.

One willing and surrendered heart with God can change a culture. God didn’t put people in my path mostly for my convenience; He put me there for theirs. Put your trust in Kingdom Wisdom that declares that loving the poor will make you rich. Above all, plant this truth deep within your heart: You have NOTHING to prove to anyone – if you’re in Jesus, you’re already approved in the sight of God. Live for an Audience of One.

The song of my week is Lament by Audrey Assad. It’s been on repeat today. The lyrics are incredibly deep and the cry of my heart.

'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;

I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.

I am a picture of contentment and I'm dissatisfied.

Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?

Sometimes, sometimes?

I'm restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;

I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.

You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You...

but try as I might, I just can't catch You

But I want to, cause I need You, yes, I need You, oh.

I can't catch You, but I want to.

How long, how long until I'm home?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long until You come for me?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

Find You On My Knees

I wrote this blog on February 3rd on my Facebook. Finally getting around to adding it on here too! I know I haven't been active on this blog for a LONG time but it isn't because I haven't been writing! All my love, Heidi 

I’ve been desperately trying to type out the story of an ordinary girl and the past two weeks of this adventure she stumbled into years ago. I long to share with you all the ups and downs, sorrows and joys, blessings and hardships that have occupied this chapter of her life. I have written. I have deleted. I have walked around campus searching for the right words. I have eaten too many handfuls of dark chocolate M&M’s. I have cranked out so many miles on the treadmill at the Hill Hall REX—like I could somehow run the words into my head. I have filled and refilled my mug with a constant flow of coffee and tea. There is a possibility that I might have talked to myself a little…okay maybe a lot. I have listened to Kari Jobe’s new album Where I Find You so much that I am scared to look at the number of plays column on my iTunes playlist. And I have finally come to this conclusion: there are no words to contain God’s beauty, goodness, and faithfulness in the life of a recovering sinner drenched in grace.

God is faithful. Through thick and thin, He patiently leads us, guiding our steps and teaching us how to interact in ways that honored Him and the people we encounter daily.  I have had a rough week. It has been a week filled with tears, conflicts, hopelessness, brokenness, heartache that threatened to tear me apart, and doubt. I walked straight through raging fires, yet here I am very much alive and well. I have come out the other side and I can testify that my dependence on God is greater, deeper and stronger then it has ever been in my life.

“Jesus calls me to surrender and there’s nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace. It terrifies, true. But it exhilarates. This, this is what I’ve always wanted and never knew: this utter trust, this enlivening fall of surrender into the safe hands. There is no joy without trust” ~Katie Davis

I am going to be fairly vague about what lead me to such a rough week but the specific details don’t matter. What truly matters are the truths that I learned. How God found me right where I was at. How I walked through one of the worst weeks of my life and came out stronger and more joy filled then ever. Last Saturday night was the peak of my rough week and it was also the turning point. Life had gotten so out of my control so twisted beyond what I was expecting that I had absolutely no idea what to do. I desperately started seeking Scripture; I was so thirsty for answers of clarity and direction. And I came to these verses.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me ~Jeremiah 29:13

But we will worship you at your throne--

eternal, high, and glorious!

O, Lord if you heal me, I will be truly healed;

If you save me, I will be truly saved.

My praises are for you alone

You alone are my HOPE in the day of disaster. ~Jeremiah 17:12;14;17b

  So when all the sun's creatures fell into a deep slumber in the heaviness of the night, I was awake. Singing and writing and letting my heart dwell in the peaceful silence. But I was a girl awake with a mission: searching for God in the midst of the broken chaos my life had become.

  I entered into worship and freely let drops of tears spill from my eyes and bathe those beautiful and radiant feet of Jesus who was listening to my meager offering of a broken and dissent melody. The same feet that hanged from a cross. The same feet the walked miles on dusty roads spreading the message, “Repent for the Kingdom of God is near.” The same feet that were placed in a manger. I fell before the feet of the Prince of Peace, the one person who has never let me down, and my flood of tears drowned all my faults and fears and shattered dreams. Oh, the healing floods of worship tears.

Do you know what I am talking about? Those dark nights where the only thing you could offer God is your brokenness?  Those hopeless nights where everything is falling apart? Stumbling around in the dark you’re seeking and thirsty for direction. Those nights, weeks, months, or maybe even years where it is hard and hurts to trust God. You come before God an emotional wreck. A complete and total mess. When your heart is feeling like it will drown in a sea of troubles, weariness, and restlessness. How can you trust God when, as Kari Jobe sings in her song Find you on my Knees, “my hope is gone, when fear is strong, when the pain is real, and it’s hard to heal, when my faith’s been shaken, and my heart is broken, and my joy’s been stolen…” 

  You sing through the pain. You lift your hands and praise the One who gives and takes and is worthy, always worthy of our praise. Because it is in worship were God enters in and meets us right where we are. In the midst of our sorrow and brokenness. We find God right where we are.

It is in the process of being worshiped that God communicates His presence to men ~C.S Lewis

Jesus Christ, the Great Intercessor takes our muddled, broken sobs of worship and focuses and transforms it in the presence of God. When we pray and sing through Jesus our prayers and songs (which so often are weak, shaken, disorderly and filled with laments too deep for words) are condensed and specified. And through this incredible process of worshiping through life’s storms we uncover not only what we already knew we wanted to say but also what the hidden parts of our hearts and soul are longing to say. Simply put, the truth comes out during worship. Worship is transformative. Our offerings of brokenness are shaped into things of beauty. Worshiping in the midst of brokenness shakes the very foundations of hell. It is proving to both the Earthly and Heavenly realms that you will cling to what you know is true and that God is who He says He is even when everything happening in your life would seem to say otherwise. We can be confident that Christ will take and perfect what we say and mean and bring it before the throne of God. The most remarkable truth about worship is that we have a High Priest and Intercessor who worships in our midst, the One True Worshipper.

You still reign in my deepest valley

You're still God in my darkest night

So quiet my restless heart

Quiet my restless heart in you

Oh let Your will be done in me

In Your love I will abide

Oh I long for nothing else as long

As You are glorified

This is why I have such a resilient passion for shepherding God’s people into His presence and glorifying Him through music. I believe there is a special type of healing, transformation, and revelation that happens through worship. I have experienced this personally and watched it happen to others over and over again. I believe that worship is a beautiful foretaste of the world to come when all people, from all nations, and all languages stand before the throne room of God and sing His praises. I love how worship can build a deeper sense of belonging to one diverse, multi-denominational and globally extended family of God. Worship is so much more than a song. Worship is a lifestyle. I want my life to be a worship anthem to advance the glory, honor and fame of the King of kings.

My Presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest." ~Exodus 33:14

  God never promises that road He would call you to walk down would be easy, but He promised that He would never leave your side. God never promised that life wouldn’t be painful, but He promised that He would take care of you. One (or a few) bad days withJesus is still better than the best days without Him. As I continue to struggle to find words and reflect on the past few weeks of my life. I remember that never, not once, was I really as ready for spiritual battles or rough weeks that I knew would come on this adventure as I wanted to be. But I also remember that God ALWAYS kept all His promises, every single one, in His perfect time.

 Writing this on the other side of this trial I have an inexpressible glory filled joy like never before. But I was challenged and stretched to get where I am now. And God has been blessing me abundantly. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Obeying God sometimes seems like the hardest road to take. But in the long run, it is the only lifestyle that brings REAL peace and joy

The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.  When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them ~Psalm 91:14-15 

New Year. Same Jesus

I wrote this blog January 9, 2012 and posted it on Facebook. Finally getting around to posting it on here as well. No pictures on this blog yet (will add them this summer). Grace and Peace,  Heidi

This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, 'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the wasteland.” ~Isaiah 43:16-19

I sort laundry and thoughts on a wintery cold, overcast Monday evening in my dorm room. I look out my window and see the ground covered in a dusting of sparkling frost and leaves lost. The world seems cold, bare, being purified. All rests still. A blanket of fog hovers above the street, vanishing every diamond star in the night sky. I believe that wonder and worship can grow out of places of smallness and ordinary moments.

I am bundled in my SPU sweatshirt and thick warm socks. I’ve often wondered if I’m a winter writer, rather than summer. Today is one of those days where you couldn’t find a cup of tea large or strong enough to satisfy me as I think, process, and reflect. Introverts are collectors of thoughts, and solitude is where the collection is curated and rearranged to make sense of the present and future. I am desperate to find, to write, the perfect display of veracious words to express to the world, not only the depth of God’s love, but also to help them understand what has been going on in my inside world. You know that place—where it is just you alone…except you usually end up running into God there too.

New Year. Same Jesus. A new year is such a perfect invitation to remember God’s faithfulness through out the year. The seeker sees. A way of seeing that draws closer to God, the Holy One of blessings, God’s presence fills the Universe. God’s presence fills me. The air is ancient. The ground holy. God’s endless streams of grace. I look out over this vast blankness, yet to be filled with God’s promises and fulfillments, yet to be pierced with hard and splashed with joy. It threatens to be overwhelming. Another year I let enter in. Its story unknown and I cannot help but tremble at the thought of having to turns it’s pages alone. But I hear my favorite whisper. “Hush, My Child” Can’t you hear God’s sweet melody dancing in the air saying,  “My unfailing presence is always with you. In me your restless heart will find rest.

Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done ~CS Lewis.

For a moment, pondering the how's and the why's and the what-if's seems much more attractive than meditating on these promise words printed on the thin paper Bible laying open on my desk. But the words on those thin papers remind me of who I am not, and won’t let me forget who God is: powerful, good, able, faithful. But then I think back over the hard and the joy of last year, the faithfulness of God in each one of those moments and I know that I can move forward with this Father holding my hand. I am completely overwhelmed by His goodness and His faithfulness. The biggest truth I discovered in 2011 is that God is ALWAYS good and I am always loved. Though the world is ugly, it is beautiful

Hot tea and a good heart to heart conversation with God sounds lovely right now. I love deep talks. A conversation where there are no secrets, but only truths. No fears you can just pour out your heart without any hesitation. Sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences and knowing that God understands everything you’re saying better than you do. Yet, God in his perfect love listens to me. I believe that God’s plans for my life are unstoppable.

“If life were stable, I’d never need God’s help. Since it’s not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don’t have control, because it makes me run to God.” ~Francis Chan

I might be stepping into a new, harder season in 2012. I don’t know. All I know is that God has been faithful before and He will be faithful again. I’m like a glowstick. In order to shine the way I long to, I must be broken, even thought it may hurt sometimes. God uses everything. He uses the things that break me down, that hurt, those moment in life where its hard to breathe and He wraps them all together and uses them to make me shine even brighter. Incredible.

The phrase “Do not be afraid” is written in the Bible 365 times. That’s a daily reminder from God to live everyday being FEARLESS. I want to live 2012 fearlessly. A confidence and trust that comes from being a daughter of God. I am strong because I’ve been weak. I am fearless, because I’ve been afraid. I am wise, because I’ve been foolish. I have been redeemed. Made new by a strong, fearless, and wise Savior, Jesus Christ

…the fact that each one of those problems is a God-appointed instructor ready to stretch you and challenge you and deepen your walk with him. Growth and wisdom await you at the solution of each one, the pain and mess notwithstanding. ~Charles Swindoll

 I don’t ask God for love or happiness in this coming year. I don’t ask for the absence of tears. I stand before Him tonight and I will not ask to understand His ways for this coming year. God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will.

But this I do ask: that God would give me a willing heart; an obedient heart. A heart that will know and listen to His leading voice. I want to walk with Jesus every day. Always ready to go, to act, to love, to sing, when He asks me to. I don’t want to do anything outside of God’s Will for me. I will wait upon Him as long as it takes.

“God takes the time do everything right—everything! Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones” ~Isaiah 30:18

I must decrease in order for God to increase in my life. Getting rid of self-will, my ways, my dreams, my goals, taking the pen of my life story and into the hands of the Author of Life. Being fully drenched and immersed in the will of God.

But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, You are my God! My future is in Your hands ~Psalm 31:14-15

Jesus is here with me and one day soon He will come back and make all things new and set all things right. I am young and sometimes beyond exhausted and completely unable to understand why God has graced me with this plan for my life. I am chosen. Instructed to carry the story of our Savior within my life song, to shine His light in a dark, broken and haunting world.

I also know with all my heart that YOU are chosen too. God’s life, strength, peace, and grace, will not run dry. This life is beautiful and terrible and simple and difficult and He is using it for His glory. God has been working in me to do things I could never do on my own. He is teaching me to breathe in His grace through the study of the Word, prayer, worship, and Christian fellowship, and then breathe out His love, mercy, forgiveness, and wisdom to the people in my life through my words and actions. Praying for all of you all as you continue to chase after Christ.