My dear sister in Christ and close friend text me this verse: Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified, and made spotless until the time of the end, for I will still come at the appointed time. –Daniel 11:35
God is in the process of refining, purifying and making me spotless. It is a necessary process for all Christ followers to go through but it not an easy one. Honestly, this is a painful process at times. Mainly because it involves one of my least favorite words: surrender.
Really Jesus, you want me to lay down all my “rights”, all my dreams, ambitions, wishes and hopes that I hold so dear, my reputation, my comfortable lifestyle, my romantic ideals, my free time: to lay them at your feet and then pick up my cross and follow you? You want me to be willing to give up anything at any moment if it would advance you Kingdom. Oh boy can’t we negotiate this one? Yet, God makes it clear that this is a non-negotiable request. It I truly want to be a disciple, a follower of Christ, I must surrender. Jesus Christ must have all that He purchased on the cross. Not just any surrender: ABSOLUTE SURRENDER! The flesh inside me hates those two words with a mighty passion. But the Spirit is giving me strength to keep fighting. To daily deny self (flesh) and follow Christ.
I have gotten to this time of surrender and refining after a season of trials and storms. And I promised in my last post that I would expand on more of that period of time in my life and what God has and is continuing to teach me. I am not going to list every storm or trial instead I am going to list off every lesson learned, what God is teaching me, or what I have learned about God throughout all this.
Truth #1) Jesus wept ~John 11:35 How beautiful it is that we have a Savior who cries with and for us! During my darkest times of heartache and hurt where all I wanted to do was just cry. Never once did I feel like God was looking down upon be for being weak or for taking the time to cry. Surprisingly instead I felt Jesus wrap his arms around me and began crying with me! Jesus Christ knows heartache and hurt. He knows everything you are going through. The shortest verse in the bible “Jesus wept” has gotten me through many dark and sad nights. And it didn’t end there he would whisper to my heart, “Heidi…my beloved. I know your pain. Please don’t you understand? Can you not see me weeping with you? My heart breaks with you. And though you can’t see it now, please know that I am answering your biggest prayer: To bring glory to my Name. Trust me, I’m using this and will continue to use this to bring me SO much glory. Stay firm in Me. Lean on Me. Depend on me to get you through this. I will never leave you. However, tonight let us just weep together.”
Truth #2) God is faithful. He will ALWAYS keep his promises. That night, when I was just crying with Jesus, He promised me that he was using all this for His glory. That He would use all the disappointments, heartache, and trails to answer some of my biggest prayers! And oh brothers and sisters how He has done that and so much more!
Truth #3) Trails are PURE JOY when GOD is our goal. Our goal for trials should not be to just get through them but to look at them as an amazing opportunity to grow closer to God, gain heavenly wisdom, and become more like our sweet Savior. I know that the love and grace of God will get me through any trail that comes my way. Not only that but through these trails I have grown closer to God like never before! So lately my prayers have been for God to bring trails into my life (I know its sounds completely crazy) but my ultimate longing is to daily draw closer to God, to know more about Him, and to fall more deeply in love with Him. Trails help all three of those longings happen in such a powerful way!
Come on world throw another battle in my life. It hurts, but I learned it makes me stronger. Come on world give me all you got and I’ll pull through. Love is my fuel. And I won’t be losing that anytime soon. ~Kina Grannis
My fuel, my love comes from God, it is everlasting. “Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. Understand how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.” Eph 3:18
Truth #4) Obedience, when it flows out of genuine love for Jesus Christ, is never wasted and never regretted.
In the beginning of April I felt like God was asking me to walk away from my YoungLife leader position. What? God are you crazy! Why? No, I am doing so much good here! Why in the world would you ask me to leave? He had made it clear in January that He did not want me to return next year to a leadership role, but to end in the middle of the school year?! My pride kicked in hardcore at this point. God, there is no way they could do it without me. Who would pick up the kids and take them everywhere? I have grown so close to these leaders and kids and you just want me to walk away?
“Heidi…please, I know this is hard but can you trust me?”
I am always looking for ways to make deals with God (don’t ask me why). So I said if this is truly what you want Lord you will make it extremely clear that you want me to leave.
God was moving me in an opposite direction. I knew it, but I refused to let go. So I asked God for a very specific sign. For something that I thought very unlikely if not absolutely impossible. And then something devastating happened. God gave me the sign I asked for.
Exactly a month after God asked me to walk away; I was actually walking away from it all. It was the most painful decision I have ever made in my life. I put so much of my heart and soul into the program, into the lives of the kids. My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t see them as much or get to be apart of their lives.
Truth #5) Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open." - Corrie Ten Boom
God’s ways are not always our ways. Honestly, they are almost never our ways. So I just keep on praying, “Yet I want YOUR WILL to be done, not mine” (Mark 11:36).
Truth #6) Forgiveness. “Then I realized my heart was bitter and I was torn up inside” ~Psalms 73:21. Love doesn’t give up because something goes wrong or your feelings are hurt. God is in charge so those who love just keep right on loving. God has been freeing me from bitterness and hard feelings. I feel the chains of bitterness falling off. “My chains are gone I've been set free” My all time favorite quote about forgiveness that has inspired me greatly this month is:
“We as humans can forgive those that wrong us, but we lack the ability, the power, and the love to forgive the way God forgives. Human forgiveness relinquishes resentment and anger, but it can't remove the magnetic pull of remembrance. Human forgiveness leaves us free from the rot of bitterness, but it does nothing to bring heavenly love into the soul towards the one who wronged us. We can't, as humans, forgive as God forgives; we can allow God to forgive in and through us, and thusly change us and change this world with the amazing love of Christ.” –Eric Ludy
Truth #7) This truth is from 1 Peter 5:10 "So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”
After trials God will restore, support and strengthen you! How he did (and is doing) that in me is putting a powerful passion in my soul. This is a passion that I have always had but He put a deeper meaning into it and gave it life.
“If we will not reach them with the love of Jesus Christ, who will?" -Jackie Pullinger
My passion is loving the people that others don’t naturally love on. These people are everywhere. In your school, on the side of the street, in your neighborhood, across the world, etc. They need to be shown the love of Christ. Will you be the arms of Jesus Christ to them?
Truth #8) Service to others in Jesus' name with a genuine heart of love is one of the most fulfilling and joyous feelings!
Phew…okay there you go as promised! A little more background and info to the past few months of my life. I felt really inspired to write this and my hope and prayer is that the Spirit will work in your heart and somehow my recent chapter in my adventure with Jesus; can be an encouragement to your own walk with Him.
PLEASE KNOW…I don’t claim to have all the answers. I don’t claim to be doing this all right. Actually, lately I will be the first to tell you I am doing this all wrong. BUT, I do claim to believe that the words of Jesus are absolutely true and apply to me, right now, today!
