The 20 Things I learned at SPU

For some people, small, beautiful moments are what life is all about. There are Eden days—or an Eden year in my case. A year where you pray that the days would linger just a bit longer; wishing that life could be frozen forever in the present moment, these feelings, the incredible people that surround your world. I already miss strolling to class early every morning in a sea of hip looking people with warm coffee in hand.

I smooth out my bed sheets and glance around my “new” and familiar room for the next three months and everything calms, my favorite small Voice stilling my restless heart. This is what I am, what WE are: Blessed, Blessed, Blessed. 

As I look back on this year, the biggest truth I discovered is that setting aside your dreams and instead seeking the will of God with all your heart is always a much better plan. If it’s meant to be, God will make a way. God’s timing is perfect. God has a plan and His plan becomes our stories

The reality of life is that dreams die, plans change, and seasons end, but God is not done yet. The beauty is in this whole process, not just the end results.  Life is a string of ends and beginnings. Those two seem to always come together—like the closest of friends.

Something ends and something begins and I’m missing the sweet memories of junior year and a bit nervous for what is to come. I’m melancholy for what’s behind and what could have been and I have never travelled this road that lies ahead of me. Some days I am even bold enough to say that I am scared — I wonder if bends in the roads can break things…. Can break people?

Roads can twist, bend and turn and the only thing that calms me is that small Voice: “Do not be afraid. I am always with you. Nothing can separate you from My love. I am for you.”

Since I am a Type A personality list person (there is no better feeling then crossing something off a To-Do-List), I grabbed my journal that night and began to dissect and reflect on this past season of my life. Questions, memories, and lessons learned flooded my mind until I spilled out this list of 20 things. My pen stopped, this was the list my heart had been longing to see, the reassurance that God’s fingerprints were covering my entire school year and He would continue to walk right by my side as I enter the next season too: Senior year. As scary as that sounds—as unprepared and unqualified as I feel I am for what God has called me to do next fall. I continue walking down this twisty road because I know that I never walk alone.

So I present to you my list of the top 20 things I learned at my first year at SPU as a junior. My heart is that all things will be done in love, for the glory of God’s name, knowing that He is with me and I am His Beloved.

The 20 Things I Learned at SPU

1.     Ministry is messy. If you want to touch, impact, and leave your mark on the world, you’re going to have to be okay with getting your hands dirty. Every chance I have to love imperfect people (AKA everyone, including myself) is another chance to perfect God’s love in me. We are all messy, broken, recovering sinners drenched in the grace and love of a God who makes beautiful things. Breathe in Grace, Breathe out love.

2.     It’s not our job to change people. It’s our job to love people. Love is what changes us and only God saves. We are advancing HIS kingdom, not our own

3.     The most dangerous people are the ones who don’t believe their actions are affecting the world around them

4.     God is always good and I am always loved.

5.     Let people see you bleed. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be transparent. If you believe Jesus shines in your weakness, prove it.

6.     God desires for His daughters and His sons to join hands in building His Kingdom. The ground is level at the foot of the cross. I will spend my life fighting shallow theology and restoring God’s vision of a Blessed Alliance between men and women.  Ministry is about spiritual gifts, NOT gender.

7.     The essence of creativity is risk, believing enough to leap into the yet unseen. The theological term for this is faith. When we stop fearing failure, we start being artists. I wrote my first hymn and survived an entire year of 8am Music Theory and Aural Skills! Music has become a constant encouragement for me to find meaning, beauty, and goodness in our world rather than in something beyond it. Escapism is never the answer, nor is it biblical. Jesus is redeeming, restoring, and renewing the world, not destroying it

8.     Living with a belief in God is very different from living as God’s Beloved.

9.     Dear SPU Hipsters, If you attempt to correct my pronunciation of “Bon Iver” one more time I’ll sucker punch your face all the way to France.

10.  I read Genesis 3 and realized one of the reasons sin came was Eve and the Serpent were having a conversation about God without God being there. Convicting…. Grateful for the incredible gift of the Holy Spirit, let’s not neglect to invite Her presence into every healthy debate, study, and conversations we have about God.

11.  Open your eyes—there are still resurrections everyday and we are witnesses.

12.  I am madly in love with Northwest culture: coffee, hipsters, the causal swagger of Seattle and Portland, constant rain, the music scene, and the glorious green nature. One of my dearest friends once told me that; “sharing a cup of coffee with someone you love is one of the greatest moments ever.” This is a truth being lived out daily at SPU.

13.  As a Communication major I like to think that I am studying to be Jesus' PR (Public Relations) manager—since I want to be a pastor and heading to seminary Fall 2013.  Which has led me to recognize that most people think Jesus is either a madman or the Son of God. Also, Plato and Aristotle really screwed up the Theology in the early churches and still impacting the church today.

14.  Character over accomplishments. What we do is not as important as WHO WE ARE.  As children of the King of the Universe we are too blessed to be stressed.

15.  Living in the dorms taught me more than any book could on the Trinity. We are made for community because we were made out of community. We long for fulfilling relationships because we were made in the image of the most perfect relationship: the Trinity. Having to live with others in community, also forced me to realize I am not the most important person in the world

16.  I unexpectedly fell in love with the church, the Bride of Christ. It is vibrant, diverse, messy, multi-voiced, Kingdom advancing, filled with a variety of perspectives and experiences, multi-ethnic, Spirit-led, ancient and historical, beautifully complex groups of people coming together to serve a God who takes broken things and broken people and transforms them into something beautiful and whole. Amazing!

17. The first demon possession, which Jesus drove out, was at a religious event. That says something to me. After attending a Christian university for a year that fact doesn’t shock me as much as it use to. Christians get really offended and horribly mean when other Christians don’t sin the same way they do. (Read Mark 1:21-28)

18.  If I learned anything from attending Mid-Day Prayer all year long was that God has more words then yes, no, or maybe. He has a fully formed vocabulary and can talk. We pray to God like he is a complete idiot and only knows three words (I’m still guilty of doing this). Let me tell you friends, ask God bigger questions and you will be surprised to find bigger conversation with God a reachable reality.

19. The wonderful gift that is the bible because I have never read any religious book or story that is ridiculously vulnerable, completely honest and raw about the downfalls and failures of its heroes than the bible. The story that heals the brokenhearted, romances the lonely, comforts the rejected, and pierces straight through to the messy condition of our hearts. I also know that the bible is not God, a Paper Pope, or part of the Trinity. The power of the Scriptures comes from the Holy Spirit moving and working through it and breathing the words to life.

20.  Following Jesus is purposeful insanity. 

Ring by Spring

I wrote this blog on April 7th, 2012 and posted it to my Facebook. Finally getting around to posting it here too. This was hands down the most popular blog I have posted on my Facebook account. Matters of the heart tend to be a popular topic with people. Blessings on your day, Heidi 

Ring by Spring.” A typical student at Seattle Pacific University entering into their third week of Spring quarter can bet on hearing these three little words on repeat like a broken record or your favorite song. These three words can either bring feelings of dread, challenge, or hope. I tend to firmly place my flag into the ground of the feelings of dread camp. I haveNO desire to get married or have a ring on my finger anytime soon.  You can call me a realist or career driven. I have the radical belief that you shouldn’t date until you are ready or in a place to get married. However, I wouldn’t argue with you if you said I might be scarred, carrying baggage, or scared of relationships and commitments. But, don’t we all in different ways? I am messy and junk-filled recovering sinner like everyone else. Who is daily drenched in the grace of God who makes beautiful things.

I am not against people getting married young; but you won’t find me going around endorsing it. Many of my good friends are getting married this summer or have gotten engaged in the past month. Attending SPU it isn’t abnormal to be in a class with peers who are showing off their engagement rings or married. God calls everyone to different things. I know it cannot be easy getting married young and that is a cross God calls some people to carry. I have the highest respect of people who carry that cross with divine amounts of grace and confidence in the Lord. Most people don’t think it’s wise and/or believe that I should be a Pastor, but I guess that’s my own cross to carry.

Okay, so I would guess by now you are wondering where I am going with this. Yes, part of me is just ranting, but I actually do have a point! As I have been reflecting on the cross and passion of Christ during Lent and especially this Holy Week I came to the revelation that the cross of Christ is a proposal. A personal proposal to me and most importantly to the church—the body of Christ. Jesus completed the most beautiful two-day proposal the world has ever seen (not even a choreographed dance in front of the Magic Kingdom Castle can compare).

The proposal begins on Thursday when Jesus bends down on one knee and washes the feet of His followers. In humility Jesus washes their feet. This is the ultimate forever commitment of selfless love and devotion to His dirty and unfaithful Bride. He washes her physically clean. The dirt is washed away by the meek act of Jesus bending down and scrubbing us clean. Next, Jesus offered His Bride the cup and bread of his own blood and body in exchange for her cup. On Mandy Thursday, God and I swapped cups.

First century Jewish marriage customs in the land of Israel history lesson of the day—a traditional Jewish proposal would consist of a young man’s father taking a bottle of wine and pour a cup of wine to hand to his son. The son would then turn to the young women who makes his heart “sparkle” and with all the seriousness of an oath before God, would take the cup of wine and say “This cup is a new covenant in my blood, which I offer to you.” 21st Century Translation: “I am deeply in love with you. I promise to be your faithful husband. Will you be my bride?”

This traditional Jewish proposal of handing a cup of wine to a young woman was a way of offering (metaphorically) your very blood as the outrageous and inflated price for your Beloved’s hand in marriage. A young Jewish man would see it as offering the cup of his heart. And if the young women took the cup and drank from it, she accepted his life and offered him her cup of wine, thus confirming the betrothal. A love commitment sealed by lips to a cup.

I wonder if the early Christians would have understood the parallels between the Last Supper and a traditional Jewish proposal? It seems painfully obvious to me. Every communion we experience as Christians is a powerful call to say yes to the proposal of Christ.

So as we have discovered in Jewish tradition, the bride and groom-to-be exchange and drink from each other’s cups. Here is the dilemma: Jesus cup is the cup of righteousness, the cup of a right, beautiful, and sin-free relationship with God. A cup of eternal life—life to the FULLEST, inexpressible joy and overflowing peace. This is the cup that only Jesus deserves to drink from. Yet Jesus, in an act of thanksgiving, willing hands over His cup in exchange for ours, His Beloved. Our cup is completely unlike Jesus’. Our cup is overflowing with sin, suffering, pain, brokenness, and separation from God and filled with the just wrath of God. Yikes! This must ruin the mood of the proposal. And in a way it does.

After Jesus, the Bridegroom, exchanges cups with His future Bride and realizes what is in His Beloved’s cup retreats to the garden of Gethsemane to pray. Begging God to take this new proposal cup from Him--the weight of His future Brides faithlessness and sin pressed upon Him and He begins to sweat BLOOD! The Bridegroom surrenders Himself to the will of God and His “foolish” love for His Bride. This proposal story takes a turn for the worst….

Jesus is betrayed by His own fiancé. He walks the road of Calvary only to have His Beloved beat Him, mock Him, spit on Him, reject Him over and over again. And like the old hymn that says, “Were you there when you crucified my Lord?” I can honestly answer, “Yes, I was there.”

Because in horror and trembling, I can hear my own voice among the crowd yelling,“CRUCIFY HIM”. I can feel my hands reaching for the crown of glory and honor from Jesus head and replacing it with a crown of thorns. I can hear the sound of the hammer against the head of the nail as I drive it deep into His hand. I can see my own wounds heal as I shamefully whip the bareback of Creations last hope of saving grace. I can smell the repulsing aroma of the crucifixion and the sour wine that I offered Him as my stone hard, sin-filled heart sucked the life right out of Him. I can remember the eyes that burned with love as the bruised and broken body of my Bridegroom hung on that tree. I can hear the sound of His voice as He said, “It is FININSHED”. And I can see the temple curtain tear in two and know with all my heart that I just murdered the Son of God, the only person who as ever loved me. The one who took upon him the wrath of God, the wrath of Himself, which was solely meant for me.

What kind of King would choose to to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart?

Through the cross, Jesus takes the cup of wrath that He pleads in the garden for the Father to take from Him—because He doesn’t want YOU, the church, His Beloved Bride, taken from Him. He takes this incomprehensible cup that leads him to a cross because He can’t fathom not taking His Bride. Echoing the feet washing on Thursday: Jesus on Friday washes us spiritually; cleansing us of our messy stained hearts with His own blood. The proposal is officially finished. But the story is far from over.

As Jesus breathed His last, His Bride believed for it to be over. His disciples and faithful women followers thought this was the end. I wonder what Saturday was like for them. The empty hopelessness of that day. But the silence that filled Saturday had a faint ring of hope in the air. God would get the last word. The Bride in agony over what she had done would be reunited with her Bridegroom on Sunday. It is one of the reasons it is so powerful for me that Mary Magdalene is the first one to see the resurrected Lord, the resurrected Bridegroom. Not even death could swallow the love of the Bridegroom. Aw, Easter is the happy ending we all long for.

If I was completely honest this proposal makes me feel awkward and I secretly want more distance from a God who offers me this kind of love. Just as I try to distance myself and scorn the idea of “Ring by Spring” at SPU—I ironically come face to face this spring with the most outlandish proposal and I am forced to act and make a decision.

Do I say yes to this Jesus, this Bridegroom? To say yes is considered foolish and unwise by the world. Do I take the cup of communion and drink from it entering into the most sacred covenant? Or do I walk away too proud to let myself be mocked by the world? Why would I willing choose to betroth myself to a Bridegroom who died a death that was reserved for the scum of the earth? Why would I become a Princess to a Prince who wears a crown of thorns? Why would I chose to enter into an upside down Kingdom where the least are considered the greatest and the King is murdered in order to gain compete power? Why would I betroth myself to a Bridegroom who asks me to deny myself, pick up a cross and follow Him?

Love. That’s I why. I do it because Jesus loves me. I choose to drink from the communion cup. I choose to say yes. I choose Jesus even though it is foolishness to the world. Love is laying down plans, agendas, and self. Love is always the act of laying down. Love lays down it’s own wants to lift up the will of another. Love let’s go of its plans—to hold on to a person. Jesus’ proposal and His Passion reiterates Romans 8:38-39…

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Love wins. Jesus will stop at nothing to win my heart. I will say yes to this proposal. I will say yes to this “Cup by Spring”. Perfect loves drives out fear. 

And as I continue to roll my eyes as I walk through campus and hear those three dreaded words everywhere I go. And as the stack of my various friends “Save the Date” cards grows every week on my desk, I contemplate every Sunday at the Communion table the proposal I have said yes to. I may not have a Pintrest account of ideas of my heavenly wedding but I have read Revelation and the stunning wedding vision it paints of the Bridegroom and Bride coming together. I am reminded this Holy Week of the whole point of earthly relationships and marriage—to be a living picture pointing to an even greater relationship.

Remember me Lord, as you enter into your Kingdom…. 

Twenty Days

I wrote this blog on February 26th and posted it on my Facebook. Funny thing was of all the blogs I have ever written this was my least popular one (in regards to "likes and comments"), but this is one of my all time favorite blogs I have ever written. Enjoy my reader friends. May it bless you in whatever season this finds you in. All is Grace, Heidi

There are moments in life when wasted hope and shattered expectations collide. I do not particularly enjoy these moments. The flesh within you is raging in anger. Your mind starts to question everything God promised you. Doubt begins to flood your heart. You would give anything to stop running this race God has called you to run. I have come to the conclusion this week that whatever course you end up deciding on—the path God clearly calls you to walk down—there will always be someone to tell you that you’re wrong. There will always be difficulties arising, which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to the end requires courage.

And so I repeat to myself over and over…”20 days…. I can do this.”

            Twenty days left of one of the most difficult, challenging, and beautiful season of my life. Twenty days left of winter quarter that has stretched me and grown me more then I ever believed possible. I knew going into this quarter that God was calling me to carry a pretty heavy cross. That this quarter would be the narrowest of paths God has ever led me down. This season has been incredible with amazing opportunities literally falling from heaven. God opened doors that I never anticipated and I watched God provide and come through on every single one of His promises. But it has also been hard and ugly at times. I have given God everything this quarter; all my time, talents, dreams, and hopes—I surrendered it all to Him. Honestly, it is beginning to wear me down. I am exhausted. Nonetheless, I am easily the most blessed girl in the world.  I know these seem like the biggest contradictions, but if you are a Jesus follower you might relate to what I’m saying.  I have to keep believing that the bitter beauty of this journey is worth it.

Whatever You have commanded us—we will do, and where You send us we will go…the LORD your God be with you” ~Joshua 1:16-17

  I have been studying the Book of Habakkuk in the Bible this month. I have fallen in love with this tiny three-chapter gem in the Old Testament. The major theme woven throughout Habakkuk is trying to grow from a faith of confusion, doubt, and skepticism to the height of absolute trust in God. Habakkuk, a prophet, addresses his concerns over the fact that God will use the evil Babylonian empire to bring judgment on Judah (God’s chosen people) for their sins.

Habakkuk is unique and stands out to me among all the other prophets in the Bible because he openly questions the wisdom of God. In the first chapter, Habakkuk sees the injustice among his people and asks why God does not take action. “Yahweh, how long will I cry, and you will not hear? I cry out to you “Violence!” and will you not save?" (1:2)

  In the last chapter, Habakkuk expresses his ultimate faith in God, even if he doesn't fully understand. For though the fig tree doesn’t flourish, nor fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive fails, the fields yield no food; the flocks are cut off from the fold, and there is no herd in the stalls: yet I will rejoice in Yahweh. I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! (3:17-18)

Francis Chan wrote that, “Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending.”

  Habakkuk. The name means wrestler or embrace. Wrestle with God because hard times are holy times. Do not escape or run away, do not hide your doubts and questions from God. But stubbornly and boldly confront God; He already knows what we are thinking. Fully embrace the One who is not afraid of our ugly, tear-filled, angry questions or prayers. Because this is how we stay engaged with God. When we don’t know how to hang on in hard times—grip hard to God. Don’t be afraid to wrestle with God. The only ones who can rest in God are the ones who have wrestled with God… “I will not let you go until I you bless me” (Read Genesis 32:23-34).

  God’s purposes are not for me to understand His plans: His plan is for me to understand who He is. Thank you God for blessing me much more than I deserve. All is Grace. I cannot forget that God blesses his beloved children so that we can be a blessing to those we encounter (Genesis 12:2). We’re all just messy, junk-filled recovering sinners drenched in the grace of a God who makes beautiful things.

The season of Lent is upon us. I wonder if I can be healed of my fleshly turned-away-from God attitudes if I found a place to make a U-turn? A place to make a fresh start. A place to look at my frailty, my sin, my fallen humanity, and find grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration in the blood of Christ. Lent is a time of turning around and choosing to sacrifice things that distract and keep me from a deep closeness with the King of kings. Sacrifice is tangibly removing entitlement and comfort from our lives to remind our souls how we desperately need a Savior. You can’t EARN God’s love. You can only turn TOWARDS God’s love.

Repent for the Kingdom of God is near! This is my heart cry for this season of Lent. God’s Kingdom is coming; it is here and not yet. Jesus’ story (much like our own) is going to get worse and darker before it gets better. That is just the odd reality of God’s upside down kingdom. We all must be persecuted, walk narrow paths, come face to face with the pain of the world, have difficult seasons of ministry, carry our crosses and then die to ourselves before we can reach the joy of Easter. The joy of resurrection. The joy in knowing that with Jesus we can be made NEW and WHOLE. When we experience the powerful truth that the Spirit living and moving in us is GREATER than the world. With Christ, we will overcome.

I’m sleeping so little these days; I guess this is growing up. It is not that I am up late doing homework or writing papers. That’s the interesting thing about it. That should be the case for this college aged girl in the midst of her junior year with 21 credits, constant music rehearsals for the various choirs and worship teams, small groups, meetings, my internship, and having a somewhat normal social life. Yet, I find myself dealing with insomnia for a completely different reason. I have been up just sitting still—in the quiet, dark hours of the night. More than my body desires sleep it longs and aches for a deeper type of rest. There is a rest that only comes from being still in the presence of God. A unique and forgotten art of worship. I cannot fully explain it. It is not prayer. I’m not talking to God. I am just sitting in His presence. Not thinking. Not moving. Just being. It is the most healing experience.

  If I could be remembered for one thing. If I could only leave one legacy on this dying earth—my legacy would be simple. I want to be known and remembered as being a LOVER OF GOD’s PRESENCE.

Jesus made his life about showing us what real leadership looks like: it’s not climbing higher towards power and status, but bending down in prayer and service. Jesus was dead to all ladders of fame, status, and power and that’s what made him so alive — always reaching down, to the lonely, the lost, and the least. The least of this world shall be the first in God’s kingdom.

I believe the only life living is the scandalous one: outrageous love, offensive mercy, lavish grace, and foolish faith. Live a life that makes your family, friends, and neighbors scratch their heads in disbelief. Stubbornly and relentlessly pray for your enemies till your eyes are opened to the truth that enemies are illusions and everyone is a friend. Believe in your God-sized dreams, the ones God purposely knitted deep within your heart. Be the kind of person who is quick to apologize because that is the pathway of lasting happiness. Always remember that true contentment is when God’s Word and your walk are in harmony. This harmony only comes through the daily breathing in of Jesus’ grace and love.

One willing and surrendered heart with God can change a culture. God didn’t put people in my path mostly for my convenience; He put me there for theirs. Put your trust in Kingdom Wisdom that declares that loving the poor will make you rich. Above all, plant this truth deep within your heart: You have NOTHING to prove to anyone – if you’re in Jesus, you’re already approved in the sight of God. Live for an Audience of One.

The song of my week is Lament by Audrey Assad. It’s been on repeat today. The lyrics are incredibly deep and the cry of my heart.

'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;

I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.

I am a picture of contentment and I'm dissatisfied.

Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?

Sometimes, sometimes?

I'm restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;

I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.

You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You...

but try as I might, I just can't catch You

But I want to, cause I need You, yes, I need You, oh.

I can't catch You, but I want to.

How long, how long until I'm home?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long until You come for me?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

Find You On My Knees

I wrote this blog on February 3rd on my Facebook. Finally getting around to adding it on here too! I know I haven't been active on this blog for a LONG time but it isn't because I haven't been writing! All my love, Heidi 

I’ve been desperately trying to type out the story of an ordinary girl and the past two weeks of this adventure she stumbled into years ago. I long to share with you all the ups and downs, sorrows and joys, blessings and hardships that have occupied this chapter of her life. I have written. I have deleted. I have walked around campus searching for the right words. I have eaten too many handfuls of dark chocolate M&M’s. I have cranked out so many miles on the treadmill at the Hill Hall REX—like I could somehow run the words into my head. I have filled and refilled my mug with a constant flow of coffee and tea. There is a possibility that I might have talked to myself a little…okay maybe a lot. I have listened to Kari Jobe’s new album Where I Find You so much that I am scared to look at the number of plays column on my iTunes playlist. And I have finally come to this conclusion: there are no words to contain God’s beauty, goodness, and faithfulness in the life of a recovering sinner drenched in grace.

God is faithful. Through thick and thin, He patiently leads us, guiding our steps and teaching us how to interact in ways that honored Him and the people we encounter daily.  I have had a rough week. It has been a week filled with tears, conflicts, hopelessness, brokenness, heartache that threatened to tear me apart, and doubt. I walked straight through raging fires, yet here I am very much alive and well. I have come out the other side and I can testify that my dependence on God is greater, deeper and stronger then it has ever been in my life.

“Jesus calls me to surrender and there’s nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace. It terrifies, true. But it exhilarates. This, this is what I’ve always wanted and never knew: this utter trust, this enlivening fall of surrender into the safe hands. There is no joy without trust” ~Katie Davis

I am going to be fairly vague about what lead me to such a rough week but the specific details don’t matter. What truly matters are the truths that I learned. How God found me right where I was at. How I walked through one of the worst weeks of my life and came out stronger and more joy filled then ever. Last Saturday night was the peak of my rough week and it was also the turning point. Life had gotten so out of my control so twisted beyond what I was expecting that I had absolutely no idea what to do. I desperately started seeking Scripture; I was so thirsty for answers of clarity and direction. And I came to these verses.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me ~Jeremiah 29:13

But we will worship you at your throne--

eternal, high, and glorious!

O, Lord if you heal me, I will be truly healed;

If you save me, I will be truly saved.

My praises are for you alone

You alone are my HOPE in the day of disaster. ~Jeremiah 17:12;14;17b

  So when all the sun's creatures fell into a deep slumber in the heaviness of the night, I was awake. Singing and writing and letting my heart dwell in the peaceful silence. But I was a girl awake with a mission: searching for God in the midst of the broken chaos my life had become.

  I entered into worship and freely let drops of tears spill from my eyes and bathe those beautiful and radiant feet of Jesus who was listening to my meager offering of a broken and dissent melody. The same feet that hanged from a cross. The same feet the walked miles on dusty roads spreading the message, “Repent for the Kingdom of God is near.” The same feet that were placed in a manger. I fell before the feet of the Prince of Peace, the one person who has never let me down, and my flood of tears drowned all my faults and fears and shattered dreams. Oh, the healing floods of worship tears.

Do you know what I am talking about? Those dark nights where the only thing you could offer God is your brokenness?  Those hopeless nights where everything is falling apart? Stumbling around in the dark you’re seeking and thirsty for direction. Those nights, weeks, months, or maybe even years where it is hard and hurts to trust God. You come before God an emotional wreck. A complete and total mess. When your heart is feeling like it will drown in a sea of troubles, weariness, and restlessness. How can you trust God when, as Kari Jobe sings in her song Find you on my Knees, “my hope is gone, when fear is strong, when the pain is real, and it’s hard to heal, when my faith’s been shaken, and my heart is broken, and my joy’s been stolen…” 

  You sing through the pain. You lift your hands and praise the One who gives and takes and is worthy, always worthy of our praise. Because it is in worship were God enters in and meets us right where we are. In the midst of our sorrow and brokenness. We find God right where we are.

It is in the process of being worshiped that God communicates His presence to men ~C.S Lewis

Jesus Christ, the Great Intercessor takes our muddled, broken sobs of worship and focuses and transforms it in the presence of God. When we pray and sing through Jesus our prayers and songs (which so often are weak, shaken, disorderly and filled with laments too deep for words) are condensed and specified. And through this incredible process of worshiping through life’s storms we uncover not only what we already knew we wanted to say but also what the hidden parts of our hearts and soul are longing to say. Simply put, the truth comes out during worship. Worship is transformative. Our offerings of brokenness are shaped into things of beauty. Worshiping in the midst of brokenness shakes the very foundations of hell. It is proving to both the Earthly and Heavenly realms that you will cling to what you know is true and that God is who He says He is even when everything happening in your life would seem to say otherwise. We can be confident that Christ will take and perfect what we say and mean and bring it before the throne of God. The most remarkable truth about worship is that we have a High Priest and Intercessor who worships in our midst, the One True Worshipper.

You still reign in my deepest valley

You're still God in my darkest night

So quiet my restless heart

Quiet my restless heart in you

Oh let Your will be done in me

In Your love I will abide

Oh I long for nothing else as long

As You are glorified

This is why I have such a resilient passion for shepherding God’s people into His presence and glorifying Him through music. I believe there is a special type of healing, transformation, and revelation that happens through worship. I have experienced this personally and watched it happen to others over and over again. I believe that worship is a beautiful foretaste of the world to come when all people, from all nations, and all languages stand before the throne room of God and sing His praises. I love how worship can build a deeper sense of belonging to one diverse, multi-denominational and globally extended family of God. Worship is so much more than a song. Worship is a lifestyle. I want my life to be a worship anthem to advance the glory, honor and fame of the King of kings.

My Presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest." ~Exodus 33:14

  God never promises that road He would call you to walk down would be easy, but He promised that He would never leave your side. God never promised that life wouldn’t be painful, but He promised that He would take care of you. One (or a few) bad days withJesus is still better than the best days without Him. As I continue to struggle to find words and reflect on the past few weeks of my life. I remember that never, not once, was I really as ready for spiritual battles or rough weeks that I knew would come on this adventure as I wanted to be. But I also remember that God ALWAYS kept all His promises, every single one, in His perfect time.

 Writing this on the other side of this trial I have an inexpressible glory filled joy like never before. But I was challenged and stretched to get where I am now. And God has been blessing me abundantly. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Obeying God sometimes seems like the hardest road to take. But in the long run, it is the only lifestyle that brings REAL peace and joy

The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.  When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them ~Psalm 91:14-15 

New Year. Same Jesus

I wrote this blog January 9, 2012 and posted it on Facebook. Finally getting around to posting it on here as well. No pictures on this blog yet (will add them this summer). Grace and Peace,  Heidi

This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, 'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness, and streams in the wasteland.” ~Isaiah 43:16-19

I sort laundry and thoughts on a wintery cold, overcast Monday evening in my dorm room. I look out my window and see the ground covered in a dusting of sparkling frost and leaves lost. The world seems cold, bare, being purified. All rests still. A blanket of fog hovers above the street, vanishing every diamond star in the night sky. I believe that wonder and worship can grow out of places of smallness and ordinary moments.

I am bundled in my SPU sweatshirt and thick warm socks. I’ve often wondered if I’m a winter writer, rather than summer. Today is one of those days where you couldn’t find a cup of tea large or strong enough to satisfy me as I think, process, and reflect. Introverts are collectors of thoughts, and solitude is where the collection is curated and rearranged to make sense of the present and future. I am desperate to find, to write, the perfect display of veracious words to express to the world, not only the depth of God’s love, but also to help them understand what has been going on in my inside world. You know that place—where it is just you alone…except you usually end up running into God there too.

New Year. Same Jesus. A new year is such a perfect invitation to remember God’s faithfulness through out the year. The seeker sees. A way of seeing that draws closer to God, the Holy One of blessings, God’s presence fills the Universe. God’s presence fills me. The air is ancient. The ground holy. God’s endless streams of grace. I look out over this vast blankness, yet to be filled with God’s promises and fulfillments, yet to be pierced with hard and splashed with joy. It threatens to be overwhelming. Another year I let enter in. Its story unknown and I cannot help but tremble at the thought of having to turns it’s pages alone. But I hear my favorite whisper. “Hush, My Child” Can’t you hear God’s sweet melody dancing in the air saying,  “My unfailing presence is always with you. In me your restless heart will find rest.

Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done ~CS Lewis.

For a moment, pondering the how's and the why's and the what-if's seems much more attractive than meditating on these promise words printed on the thin paper Bible laying open on my desk. But the words on those thin papers remind me of who I am not, and won’t let me forget who God is: powerful, good, able, faithful. But then I think back over the hard and the joy of last year, the faithfulness of God in each one of those moments and I know that I can move forward with this Father holding my hand. I am completely overwhelmed by His goodness and His faithfulness. The biggest truth I discovered in 2011 is that God is ALWAYS good and I am always loved. Though the world is ugly, it is beautiful

Hot tea and a good heart to heart conversation with God sounds lovely right now. I love deep talks. A conversation where there are no secrets, but only truths. No fears you can just pour out your heart without any hesitation. Sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences and knowing that God understands everything you’re saying better than you do. Yet, God in his perfect love listens to me. I believe that God’s plans for my life are unstoppable.

“If life were stable, I’d never need God’s help. Since it’s not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don’t have control, because it makes me run to God.” ~Francis Chan

I might be stepping into a new, harder season in 2012. I don’t know. All I know is that God has been faithful before and He will be faithful again. I’m like a glowstick. In order to shine the way I long to, I must be broken, even thought it may hurt sometimes. God uses everything. He uses the things that break me down, that hurt, those moment in life where its hard to breathe and He wraps them all together and uses them to make me shine even brighter. Incredible.

The phrase “Do not be afraid” is written in the Bible 365 times. That’s a daily reminder from God to live everyday being FEARLESS. I want to live 2012 fearlessly. A confidence and trust that comes from being a daughter of God. I am strong because I’ve been weak. I am fearless, because I’ve been afraid. I am wise, because I’ve been foolish. I have been redeemed. Made new by a strong, fearless, and wise Savior, Jesus Christ

…the fact that each one of those problems is a God-appointed instructor ready to stretch you and challenge you and deepen your walk with him. Growth and wisdom await you at the solution of each one, the pain and mess notwithstanding. ~Charles Swindoll

 I don’t ask God for love or happiness in this coming year. I don’t ask for the absence of tears. I stand before Him tonight and I will not ask to understand His ways for this coming year. God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will.

But this I do ask: that God would give me a willing heart; an obedient heart. A heart that will know and listen to His leading voice. I want to walk with Jesus every day. Always ready to go, to act, to love, to sing, when He asks me to. I don’t want to do anything outside of God’s Will for me. I will wait upon Him as long as it takes.

“God takes the time do everything right—everything! Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones” ~Isaiah 30:18

I must decrease in order for God to increase in my life. Getting rid of self-will, my ways, my dreams, my goals, taking the pen of my life story and into the hands of the Author of Life. Being fully drenched and immersed in the will of God.

But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, You are my God! My future is in Your hands ~Psalm 31:14-15

Jesus is here with me and one day soon He will come back and make all things new and set all things right. I am young and sometimes beyond exhausted and completely unable to understand why God has graced me with this plan for my life. I am chosen. Instructed to carry the story of our Savior within my life song, to shine His light in a dark, broken and haunting world.

I also know with all my heart that YOU are chosen too. God’s life, strength, peace, and grace, will not run dry. This life is beautiful and terrible and simple and difficult and He is using it for His glory. God has been working in me to do things I could never do on my own. He is teaching me to breathe in His grace through the study of the Word, prayer, worship, and Christian fellowship, and then breathe out His love, mercy, forgiveness, and wisdom to the people in my life through my words and actions. Praying for all of you all as you continue to chase after Christ.

Winter Reflections

I am completely enthralled by the Winter Wonderland that I have had the magical privilege of living in the past few days! The white world outside my window is glorious. Beholding the exquisite and breathtaking scene from the warm comfort of my quaint dorm room. What a gift from our Marvelous Creator God! "...For God says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth." ~Job 37:6.

There is something so beautiful about snow. It makes everything seem new, bright, fresh and completely transformed in the midst of a season of lifeless dormancy. A white blanket of possibilities has fallen all-around us. One of a kind delicate snowflakes fall softly to be married to the ground. Seattle snow is a kind of forced, but welcomed Sabbath. Everything shuts down and slows down. People are forced to find a place of rest. The hectic pace of life no longer a burden. God brings snow and I now can actually enjoy the simple pleasures of the breath filling my lungs, the lovely people by my side, and dwelling on the good faithfulness of a God who weaves it all together. Faint laughter from my college peers snowball fights or screams of joy as they find the courage to sled down one of the many massive hills on campus. I can imagine God looking down and enjoying the childlike joy that has come from His snowy gift.

I am inspired. Inspired to cocoon myself in a myriad of heavy blankets and quilts and lie in my cozy bed and write. Write about what God has been doing in my life…what He has been showing me. In the hopes that it would help spur and encourage you in someway towards seeking after God more in your own life. However, first and foremost, I encourage you to read the Bible. God’s words are far more brilliant, inspiring and encouraging than mine. His words are alive and moving.

Who likes a Christian without a sense of humor? Answer: Hardly anyone. That being said, I don't expect you to agree with everything I type. In fact, I'd rather you not. Life is in need of those stimulating debates that anger and annoy our opinions and challenge our beliefs. I think it only makes you stronger in your opinions and beliefs. However, I want to be known for my strong convictions in debates and discussion AND for my gentleness in letting others keep theirs. By always having that be my goal, it creates a beautiful vision of the Kingdom of God. God has been teaching me a lot about relationships and love recently.

I’ve never had a boyfriend. I have never been a dater. I rarely get asked out…very rarely. What I use to see as rejection, God has showed me is actually His grace. Oh, I have had my share of heart-sparkles! But in God’s immense and exasperated patience, He keeps His hand of daily protection watchfully over me. So instead of dating or being in a relationship, I get the privilege of spend my days looking for places to be useful in His name and advancing the Kingdom. God can use my life for HIS glory, as long as I am willing.

I have often heard the phrase, “Chase butterflies. Not Boys.” It’s cute and clever, but I think there is an even better objective to chase because I know it won’t be long before I get bored from chasing butterflies. Here is my version—Chase after God. Not Boys. Chase after God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. That’s what it means to be kingdom minded. I can promise you if you are seeking after God and His kingdom you will NEVER get bored.

The greatest romance one can find, is to fall in love with God. The greatest journey one could embark on is to seek Him. The greatest achievement one can obtain is to find Him. ~St. Augustine

Someone asked me yesterday if I thought I would have a boyfriend by the end of the school year. Somehow by the grace of God I told them that all I know is that for TODAY God has called me to be content as a single college age girl. And that TODAY, I am going to be the happiest single alive!! I am going to accomplish the most for God that is possible because He walks at my side..."Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness...do not worry about tomorrow...each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:33-34

“People aren’t problems to be fixed. People are people, for us to walk alongside and journey with and help pick up the pieces with and, when they drop them again, to get back down and help them pick them up again. And that’s real love - without condition and without expectation.”

~Brooke Fraser

I believe what screws us up most in life is our expectations, the picture in our head of how life is supposed to be, especially in relationships. Expectations kill relationships. This may seem silly but I have caught myself thinking when I was talking to a heart sparkle, “You are not responding in the way I imagined you would respond when I acted out this conversation in my head. Stop it.” I think the things we want most in life, the things we think will set us free, are not the things we need. Most people crave an earthly love story so strongly which is a good and healthy desire, but it can too easily become an idol in your life. An idol always demands sacrifices. Expectations that I have for the different relationships in my life tend to turn into idols. And when these idols are not being fulfilled I sacrifice the people in my life to my expectations (or idols) through withholding my love, reckless and hurt filled words, or anger and rage. What (or better stated who) can save me from my idolatrous heart?

Biblical love that Jesus talks about and is notorious in 1 Corinthians 13 is acceptance, grace, honor, and trust—among many other things—that you give to someone without having expectations of receiving anything in return. Did you get that? NO EXPECATATIONS, just freely given love. No pretensions just real and vulnerable love. This is the kind of love that is everlasting; a love that doesn’t fit the mold of normalcy and throws away all sense of reason. It is the kind of love I believe is found in Heaven and it is the kind of love that lasts. The presence of this kind of love is warm, inviting and melting. It’s the kind of love that I cannot understand but I know that I want more than anything in the world. My theory is that deep down, hidden in the most secret places of our hearts, we are all seeking someone who can relate to us, meet us where we are, love us in spite of our junk and do so without any expectations. Because that’s what love is, right?

This kind of radical love does not come easy for us. It is something that’s not just going to happen when you enter into a relationship. It is something that you must learn and practice.

“Living a great love story doesn’t look like winning the lottery, it looks like training for a marathon. It’s hard work and you have to do the work long before you ever meet Mr. Right, otherwise you’ll be the girl who shows up for the marathon having eaten a gallon of ice cream every night, listening to Taylor Swift songs and watching love stories about vampires. No good man can run with that girl, not for much longer than a mile” -Don Miller

I have discovered the best way to cleanse an idolatrous heart and to learn and practice daily this profound love that holds no expectations is through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Jesus is the song of love that never leaves my heart. It draws me in, captivated by the heavy scent of God. The notes of the song God’s sings over me linger. The melody drifting and I keep seeking for more. It’s my obsession. I’m spellbound by the presence of God. Transfixed and mesmerized by the song of Jesus, God’s anointed. The heavy glory of God’s presence is my drug, my addiction. I recently discovered the Hebrew word use throughout scriptures to describe God's glory is "kabod" which is derived from the root word meaning "heaviness". All of the earth is heavy with God's glory like gravity keeping me firmly footed on the ground. That makes sense to me. There are moments that I can feel God’s glory heavy on my skin. The weight of God’s glory is not unreal, deceptive, misleading, or short-lived, but daily and everywhere.

God’s love is waking my heart to life. My relationship with Jesus is making my eyes sparkle with the light of Christ, has placed an every present smile on my face, and a spirit that glows like a healing fire. God daily makes me more and more like the women found throughout the Bible: giving me a boldness like Esther, the beauty and faithfulness like Sarah and Rebecca, the warm radiance of Ruth, the hospitality of Lydia, the humble spirit of Mary, a sensitive heart to justice engulfed by tears of constant prayer like Hannah, drenching me in Proverbs 31, providing me with steadfast faith and the redeeming leadership of Mary Magdalene, the courage and wisdom of Deborah, and audacity and tenacity of Tamar.

I'm starting to understand that the beauty of an earthly love story is in the whole process, the waiting part too, not just the end result. Because marriage is not my destination, it will just one day import how I travel on my journey.

“And there is something so alluring about a woman whose focus is on knowing God! While a woman who is “out to get” a man seems to give off an aura of desperation, a woman who is out to know and serve her Savior gives off a fragrance of beauty These are the years of growing into the beauty for which God created you. Years for becoming lovely in everyway. In God’s time, He may bring someone across your path who delights in your beauty, someone who needs what you have to offer, someone who will move Heaven and Earth to make sure he’s up to the challenge of loving you the way God intended you to be loved.” ~Diana Comer

As the gentle white flowers continue to fall from the storehouses in heaven with the sweet refreshing scent of winter, I end my reflective thoughts with a wonderful passage of scripture that has been my inspiration and keeping me “Kingdom Minded.”

Sometimes I wish everyone was single like me-a simpler life in many ways! God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others…and don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, define your life….The really important thing is obeying God’s call, following His commands…because of the current pressures on us from all sides, I think it would probably be best to stay just as you are…All I am saying is that when you marry, you take on additional stress in an already stressful time, and I want to spare you if possible…There is no time to waste, so don’t complicate you lives unnecessarily…When you’re unmarried you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. ~1 Corinthians 7 (Message)