Find You On My Knees

I wrote this blog on February 3rd on my Facebook. Finally getting around to adding it on here too! I know I haven't been active on this blog for a LONG time but it isn't because I haven't been writing! All my love, Heidi 

I’ve been desperately trying to type out the story of an ordinary girl and the past two weeks of this adventure she stumbled into years ago. I long to share with you all the ups and downs, sorrows and joys, blessings and hardships that have occupied this chapter of her life. I have written. I have deleted. I have walked around campus searching for the right words. I have eaten too many handfuls of dark chocolate M&M’s. I have cranked out so many miles on the treadmill at the Hill Hall REX—like I could somehow run the words into my head. I have filled and refilled my mug with a constant flow of coffee and tea. There is a possibility that I might have talked to myself a little…okay maybe a lot. I have listened to Kari Jobe’s new album Where I Find You so much that I am scared to look at the number of plays column on my iTunes playlist. And I have finally come to this conclusion: there are no words to contain God’s beauty, goodness, and faithfulness in the life of a recovering sinner drenched in grace.

God is faithful. Through thick and thin, He patiently leads us, guiding our steps and teaching us how to interact in ways that honored Him and the people we encounter daily.  I have had a rough week. It has been a week filled with tears, conflicts, hopelessness, brokenness, heartache that threatened to tear me apart, and doubt. I walked straight through raging fires, yet here I am very much alive and well. I have come out the other side and I can testify that my dependence on God is greater, deeper and stronger then it has ever been in my life.

“Jesus calls me to surrender and there’s nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace. It terrifies, true. But it exhilarates. This, this is what I’ve always wanted and never knew: this utter trust, this enlivening fall of surrender into the safe hands. There is no joy without trust” ~Katie Davis

I am going to be fairly vague about what lead me to such a rough week but the specific details don’t matter. What truly matters are the truths that I learned. How God found me right where I was at. How I walked through one of the worst weeks of my life and came out stronger and more joy filled then ever. Last Saturday night was the peak of my rough week and it was also the turning point. Life had gotten so out of my control so twisted beyond what I was expecting that I had absolutely no idea what to do. I desperately started seeking Scripture; I was so thirsty for answers of clarity and direction. And I came to these verses.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me ~Jeremiah 29:13

But we will worship you at your throne--

eternal, high, and glorious!

O, Lord if you heal me, I will be truly healed;

If you save me, I will be truly saved.

My praises are for you alone

You alone are my HOPE in the day of disaster. ~Jeremiah 17:12;14;17b

  So when all the sun's creatures fell into a deep slumber in the heaviness of the night, I was awake. Singing and writing and letting my heart dwell in the peaceful silence. But I was a girl awake with a mission: searching for God in the midst of the broken chaos my life had become.

  I entered into worship and freely let drops of tears spill from my eyes and bathe those beautiful and radiant feet of Jesus who was listening to my meager offering of a broken and dissent melody. The same feet that hanged from a cross. The same feet the walked miles on dusty roads spreading the message, “Repent for the Kingdom of God is near.” The same feet that were placed in a manger. I fell before the feet of the Prince of Peace, the one person who has never let me down, and my flood of tears drowned all my faults and fears and shattered dreams. Oh, the healing floods of worship tears.

Do you know what I am talking about? Those dark nights where the only thing you could offer God is your brokenness?  Those hopeless nights where everything is falling apart? Stumbling around in the dark you’re seeking and thirsty for direction. Those nights, weeks, months, or maybe even years where it is hard and hurts to trust God. You come before God an emotional wreck. A complete and total mess. When your heart is feeling like it will drown in a sea of troubles, weariness, and restlessness. How can you trust God when, as Kari Jobe sings in her song Find you on my Knees, “my hope is gone, when fear is strong, when the pain is real, and it’s hard to heal, when my faith’s been shaken, and my heart is broken, and my joy’s been stolen…” 

  You sing through the pain. You lift your hands and praise the One who gives and takes and is worthy, always worthy of our praise. Because it is in worship were God enters in and meets us right where we are. In the midst of our sorrow and brokenness. We find God right where we are.

It is in the process of being worshiped that God communicates His presence to men ~C.S Lewis

Jesus Christ, the Great Intercessor takes our muddled, broken sobs of worship and focuses and transforms it in the presence of God. When we pray and sing through Jesus our prayers and songs (which so often are weak, shaken, disorderly and filled with laments too deep for words) are condensed and specified. And through this incredible process of worshiping through life’s storms we uncover not only what we already knew we wanted to say but also what the hidden parts of our hearts and soul are longing to say. Simply put, the truth comes out during worship. Worship is transformative. Our offerings of brokenness are shaped into things of beauty. Worshiping in the midst of brokenness shakes the very foundations of hell. It is proving to both the Earthly and Heavenly realms that you will cling to what you know is true and that God is who He says He is even when everything happening in your life would seem to say otherwise. We can be confident that Christ will take and perfect what we say and mean and bring it before the throne of God. The most remarkable truth about worship is that we have a High Priest and Intercessor who worships in our midst, the One True Worshipper.

You still reign in my deepest valley

You're still God in my darkest night

So quiet my restless heart

Quiet my restless heart in you

Oh let Your will be done in me

In Your love I will abide

Oh I long for nothing else as long

As You are glorified

This is why I have such a resilient passion for shepherding God’s people into His presence and glorifying Him through music. I believe there is a special type of healing, transformation, and revelation that happens through worship. I have experienced this personally and watched it happen to others over and over again. I believe that worship is a beautiful foretaste of the world to come when all people, from all nations, and all languages stand before the throne room of God and sing His praises. I love how worship can build a deeper sense of belonging to one diverse, multi-denominational and globally extended family of God. Worship is so much more than a song. Worship is a lifestyle. I want my life to be a worship anthem to advance the glory, honor and fame of the King of kings.

My Presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest." ~Exodus 33:14

  God never promises that road He would call you to walk down would be easy, but He promised that He would never leave your side. God never promised that life wouldn’t be painful, but He promised that He would take care of you. One (or a few) bad days withJesus is still better than the best days without Him. As I continue to struggle to find words and reflect on the past few weeks of my life. I remember that never, not once, was I really as ready for spiritual battles or rough weeks that I knew would come on this adventure as I wanted to be. But I also remember that God ALWAYS kept all His promises, every single one, in His perfect time.

 Writing this on the other side of this trial I have an inexpressible glory filled joy like never before. But I was challenged and stretched to get where I am now. And God has been blessing me abundantly. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Obeying God sometimes seems like the hardest road to take. But in the long run, it is the only lifestyle that brings REAL peace and joy

The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.  When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them ~Psalm 91:14-15