Twenty Days

I wrote this blog on February 26th and posted it on my Facebook. Funny thing was of all the blogs I have ever written this was my least popular one (in regards to "likes and comments"), but this is one of my all time favorite blogs I have ever written. Enjoy my reader friends. May it bless you in whatever season this finds you in. All is Grace, Heidi

There are moments in life when wasted hope and shattered expectations collide. I do not particularly enjoy these moments. The flesh within you is raging in anger. Your mind starts to question everything God promised you. Doubt begins to flood your heart. You would give anything to stop running this race God has called you to run. I have come to the conclusion this week that whatever course you end up deciding on—the path God clearly calls you to walk down—there will always be someone to tell you that you’re wrong. There will always be difficulties arising, which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to the end requires courage.

And so I repeat to myself over and over…”20 days…. I can do this.”

            Twenty days left of one of the most difficult, challenging, and beautiful season of my life. Twenty days left of winter quarter that has stretched me and grown me more then I ever believed possible. I knew going into this quarter that God was calling me to carry a pretty heavy cross. That this quarter would be the narrowest of paths God has ever led me down. This season has been incredible with amazing opportunities literally falling from heaven. God opened doors that I never anticipated and I watched God provide and come through on every single one of His promises. But it has also been hard and ugly at times. I have given God everything this quarter; all my time, talents, dreams, and hopes—I surrendered it all to Him. Honestly, it is beginning to wear me down. I am exhausted. Nonetheless, I am easily the most blessed girl in the world.  I know these seem like the biggest contradictions, but if you are a Jesus follower you might relate to what I’m saying.  I have to keep believing that the bitter beauty of this journey is worth it.

Whatever You have commanded us—we will do, and where You send us we will go…the LORD your God be with you” ~Joshua 1:16-17

  I have been studying the Book of Habakkuk in the Bible this month. I have fallen in love with this tiny three-chapter gem in the Old Testament. The major theme woven throughout Habakkuk is trying to grow from a faith of confusion, doubt, and skepticism to the height of absolute trust in God. Habakkuk, a prophet, addresses his concerns over the fact that God will use the evil Babylonian empire to bring judgment on Judah (God’s chosen people) for their sins.

Habakkuk is unique and stands out to me among all the other prophets in the Bible because he openly questions the wisdom of God. In the first chapter, Habakkuk sees the injustice among his people and asks why God does not take action. “Yahweh, how long will I cry, and you will not hear? I cry out to you “Violence!” and will you not save?" (1:2)

  In the last chapter, Habakkuk expresses his ultimate faith in God, even if he doesn't fully understand. For though the fig tree doesn’t flourish, nor fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive fails, the fields yield no food; the flocks are cut off from the fold, and there is no herd in the stalls: yet I will rejoice in Yahweh. I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! (3:17-18)

Francis Chan wrote that, “Not being able to fully understand God is frustrating, but it is ridiculous for us to think we have the right to limit God to something we are capable of comprehending.”

  Habakkuk. The name means wrestler or embrace. Wrestle with God because hard times are holy times. Do not escape or run away, do not hide your doubts and questions from God. But stubbornly and boldly confront God; He already knows what we are thinking. Fully embrace the One who is not afraid of our ugly, tear-filled, angry questions or prayers. Because this is how we stay engaged with God. When we don’t know how to hang on in hard times—grip hard to God. Don’t be afraid to wrestle with God. The only ones who can rest in God are the ones who have wrestled with God… “I will not let you go until I you bless me” (Read Genesis 32:23-34).

  God’s purposes are not for me to understand His plans: His plan is for me to understand who He is. Thank you God for blessing me much more than I deserve. All is Grace. I cannot forget that God blesses his beloved children so that we can be a blessing to those we encounter (Genesis 12:2). We’re all just messy, junk-filled recovering sinners drenched in the grace of a God who makes beautiful things.

The season of Lent is upon us. I wonder if I can be healed of my fleshly turned-away-from God attitudes if I found a place to make a U-turn? A place to make a fresh start. A place to look at my frailty, my sin, my fallen humanity, and find grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration in the blood of Christ. Lent is a time of turning around and choosing to sacrifice things that distract and keep me from a deep closeness with the King of kings. Sacrifice is tangibly removing entitlement and comfort from our lives to remind our souls how we desperately need a Savior. You can’t EARN God’s love. You can only turn TOWARDS God’s love.

Repent for the Kingdom of God is near! This is my heart cry for this season of Lent. God’s Kingdom is coming; it is here and not yet. Jesus’ story (much like our own) is going to get worse and darker before it gets better. That is just the odd reality of God’s upside down kingdom. We all must be persecuted, walk narrow paths, come face to face with the pain of the world, have difficult seasons of ministry, carry our crosses and then die to ourselves before we can reach the joy of Easter. The joy of resurrection. The joy in knowing that with Jesus we can be made NEW and WHOLE. When we experience the powerful truth that the Spirit living and moving in us is GREATER than the world. With Christ, we will overcome.

I’m sleeping so little these days; I guess this is growing up. It is not that I am up late doing homework or writing papers. That’s the interesting thing about it. That should be the case for this college aged girl in the midst of her junior year with 21 credits, constant music rehearsals for the various choirs and worship teams, small groups, meetings, my internship, and having a somewhat normal social life. Yet, I find myself dealing with insomnia for a completely different reason. I have been up just sitting still—in the quiet, dark hours of the night. More than my body desires sleep it longs and aches for a deeper type of rest. There is a rest that only comes from being still in the presence of God. A unique and forgotten art of worship. I cannot fully explain it. It is not prayer. I’m not talking to God. I am just sitting in His presence. Not thinking. Not moving. Just being. It is the most healing experience.

  If I could be remembered for one thing. If I could only leave one legacy on this dying earth—my legacy would be simple. I want to be known and remembered as being a LOVER OF GOD’s PRESENCE.

Jesus made his life about showing us what real leadership looks like: it’s not climbing higher towards power and status, but bending down in prayer and service. Jesus was dead to all ladders of fame, status, and power and that’s what made him so alive — always reaching down, to the lonely, the lost, and the least. The least of this world shall be the first in God’s kingdom.

I believe the only life living is the scandalous one: outrageous love, offensive mercy, lavish grace, and foolish faith. Live a life that makes your family, friends, and neighbors scratch their heads in disbelief. Stubbornly and relentlessly pray for your enemies till your eyes are opened to the truth that enemies are illusions and everyone is a friend. Believe in your God-sized dreams, the ones God purposely knitted deep within your heart. Be the kind of person who is quick to apologize because that is the pathway of lasting happiness. Always remember that true contentment is when God’s Word and your walk are in harmony. This harmony only comes through the daily breathing in of Jesus’ grace and love.

One willing and surrendered heart with God can change a culture. God didn’t put people in my path mostly for my convenience; He put me there for theirs. Put your trust in Kingdom Wisdom that declares that loving the poor will make you rich. Above all, plant this truth deep within your heart: You have NOTHING to prove to anyone – if you’re in Jesus, you’re already approved in the sight of God. Live for an Audience of One.

The song of my week is Lament by Audrey Assad. It’s been on repeat today. The lyrics are incredibly deep and the cry of my heart.

'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;

I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.

I am a picture of contentment and I'm dissatisfied.

Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?

Sometimes, sometimes?

I'm restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;

I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.

You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You...

but try as I might, I just can't catch You

But I want to, cause I need You, yes, I need You, oh.

I can't catch You, but I want to.

How long, how long until I'm home?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long until You come for me?

I'm so tired, so tired of running