Full, little boys, symphonic
laughter fills the house and I cannot help but laugh too as four-year-old Luke
waddles to me with a face plastered in thick clumps of nutella. Eight-year-old
Jack follows closely behind his younger brother, “The point of eating is to get
the food in your mouth, not on your face silly” he jokes…
I smile at the unfolding memory
filled with pure and simple beauty as I snuggle in my cozy black chair in my
bedroom with a warm mug of bedtime tea.
After a long 8-½ hour workday and 40-hour week to say I am exhausted is
an understatement. Yet, in the stillness of the night I can hear the notes of grace
playing everywhere, in everything. The grace of God is simply ridiculous. All
is grace. It’s always the simple things that change our lives. But I know that
grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.
“Out of God’s abundance we have received one grace after another
and spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessings and favor upon favor and gift
heaped upon gift” ~John 1:14;16 (paraphrase)
And sure I am tired, but I am also bursting with a heavenly
joy. Because bent down low is where I find fullness of joy. I have never felt
closer to the heart of my sweet Jesus. Joyful, filled, and content. This summer hasn’t been glamorous. I don’t
have a really hip and cool internship or job that I can put on my resume.
Nothing that would promote myself in the “real world” or help me climb the
ladder of success. I wake up early every morning to love on two precious boys.
But I am racking up lessons learned where it matters most: purifying my heart.
Deep spiritual truths are learned while cleaning up spilled apple juice on the
carpet for the second time today. Daily I witness profound and convicting
Kingdom of God wisdom come out of the mouths of two little boys.
But even though I am blessed beyond comprehension--Somedays are just
messy and hard. Somedays I don’t want to get out of bed. Somedays I don’t have
the energy to step out of my car and start another long day where I will be
tested, pushed, and challenged to patiently love and put myself last. Somedays
I just want to go back to sleep and wake up when some of the mess and hard is
over.
I park. Turn the keys in the ignition, close my eyes, open my hands and
just sit. So empty today, Lord. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. What
is the point of giving of myself everyday? And Yahweh fills up my spirit with
just one word, enough.
Enough.
Jesus.
Holy Spirit.
Father of Abundance.
The Trinity Givers of endless blessings. Following King Jesus is
really hard. But it’s worth it. He is enough. In this mess…I am blessed. The nearer I draw to a
holy, loving God, all the “I”s (I’m tired. I can’t do this. I’m empty, I not
the person you want”), they fall to the side and are replaced by a willing Yes.
I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out: plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. ~Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)
Prayer isn’t merely talking to God — it is
being transformed by God. And in the praying — it becomes not about what
I want — but what God wills. Reminding me to never despair
of a situation more than I trust in my Savior. I remember the faithfulness of
my God. Time and time again He comes through. This day shall be no different. In recollecting all the
goodness’s of God — all the brokenness in me re-collects. I am put back
together. In remembering God’s enoughness. I am re-membered. And I
find healing in the deepest places of my weary and restless heart.
“As those who are
chosen, blessed, broken, and given, we are called to live our lives with a deep
inner joy and peace. Imagine that, in the center of your heart, you trust that
your smiles and handshakes, your embraces and your kisses are only the early signs
of a worldwide community of love and peace. (The Kingdom of God.) We become
beautiful people when we give whatever we can give: a smile, a handshake, a
kiss, an embrace, a word of love, a present, a part of our life…all of our
life. “ ~Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen
I want to do everything well and beautifully with eagerness
and delight leaving a trail of loveliness behind. Life is so full. How can I
possibly be thankful enough? How can I possibly learn enough? How can I
possibly laugh enough? Oh, God knows. God knows. Jesus is the source of my
comfort and my enoughness. I am so glad Yeshua holds my heart when I feel so
overwhelmed by the mingling of immense beauty and deep heartache of life.
In two months, I will be starting my senior year of college as a nineteen year old. What? How did that happen? Life centered in God’s grace and enoughness is one set-apart, crazy, ridiculous adventure after another. Nothing in my life makes sense other than Jesus has full reign.
In one short month, I will be packing up and moving back to Seattle to start three weeks of training to be an Resident Assistant at SPU. Living on a floor with 45+ girls and charged with the task of build a thriving, life-giving, grace-filled community. Only by God’s grace. God’s enoughness.
In two weeks, I will be preaching at my church for the third time. I started preaching when I was just fourteen years old! Who in the world would let a fourteen-year-old girl get up in front of a congregation and preach? Only by God’s grace. God’s enoughness.
In 5 days, I get on a plane with my family to look into the face of some of my deepest fears and insecurities—Seminary. I will be visiting and interviewing at Duke Divinity School in North Carolina. It has been a long, hard journey to get to this point. I am nervous, excited, and feeling completely unqualified to even walk on the campus of such an unrivaled, first-rate program. Only by God’s grace. God’s enoughness.
Today, I have an eight-hour day with two boys filled with continuous energy and an unrelenting spirit for testing boundaries before me. I will love on them and teach them about a different way of living. Only by God’s grace. God’s enoughness.
Friends, my prayer for all of you is the same. May you crash into God’s grace and enoughness today no matter where you find yourselves. He is there in the midst of the joy, beauty, blessings, hard, and messy.
